Forgiveness

Of all powers He forgives most, but condones least, He is pleased with little, but demands all. -CS Lewis, The Problem of Pain. I haven't been blogging recently for the simple reason that I haven't had anything worth saying. I graduated and right now I'm struggling with a particular issue. My mind keeps coming back to that quote, which I love. This past weekend one of my dearest friends did something that hurt and disappointed me. She thinks that the cell phone call dropped out and I was mad at her for not showing up for something. I really heard it all, and was mad that she didn't want to show up. I was angry at her for awhile. Her actions were the culmination of a long history of a disregard for others. It's not something I support or agree with. As a result, I haven't talked to her since Friday, avoided her at church, and haven't returned her phone calls. I can't figure out how to phrase it. Of all powers He forgives most but condones least...I've really been struggling with that. It's definitely a lot harder than it sounds. How does one do that? Forgive someone for the hurt without accepting what they've done? I'm avoiding talking to my friend altogether because I don't know how to differentiate the two. I'm not asking for advice, just blogging so you'll have something to read. Let me tell you I have a newfound respect for God. Think of all the times I mess up! Shalom, Sarah

Your grace is enough...

You ever have a time in your life where one phrase runs through your mind at all times? I'm having one of those days/weeks. This week, yesterday actually, we buried my great-aunt Lucille. My grandma lives in a house with a large backyard, and since 1971 Aunt Lucille lived on one side, and one of their other sisters lived with her husband on the other side. Their other sister used to live across the street but moved when her husband's health got increasingly worse. My Aunt Lucille's health had gotten so bad last year she had to be moved to a nursing home. Her memory and health had deteriorated so bad that she kept breaking bones and forgetting everything that happened. Growing up we'd go over to her trailer and play cards with her and watch movies. Aunt Lucille had the biggest movie collection we'd ever seen. She only had 3 grandchildren, and my siblings and I, along with our 2 cousins, were really like her grandchildren as well. As I was sitting at her funeral, in the full chapel, I felt a mixture of sadness and joy. I knew that I'd never be able to see Aunt Lucille again, and that was sad. I loved her dearly. But at the same time it was a great day. You see, Aunt Lucille had Multiple Sclerosis, and she had been in a wheelchair since 1975. I'd never seen her standing, only confined to her wheelchair, the sofa, or bed. But at her funeral, as I heard the pastor talk about how Aunt Lucille was in heaven, how she had no more pain and no more tears, how she was in the eternal presence of Jesus, I started crying tears of joy. Why, you ask? Well, right now Aunt Lucille isn't in a wheelchair anymore. Your grace is enough... My best friend had a bad day on Monday. She has liked this guy for a few months, and it was pretty obvious. They started out as friends, but as she'd go and visit him at work, she realized she liked him. She had no clue as to whether or not he liked her, as he seemed to not give any real clues either way. A friend of hers whom she had been spending a lot of time with knew the guy too. So, my best friend's friend decided she'd talk to the guy and slyly figure out whether he felt the same way about my best friend. I got a call on Monday night from my best friend. She had just found out that in the course of their conversation, the guy and her friend had pretty much admitted that they liked each other. She felt betrayed but at the same time couldn't hate or blame either one. She still cared deeply for both of them. She was alone at her house, with her sister and parents out of town, so I drove over to see her. As we ate some icecream and watched Pretty In Pink, I couldn't help but thinking how hard it must've been for her. It may seem stupid and inconsequential, but feelings matter, even if they don't seem significant in the long run. Your grace is enough... I'm graduating tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Graduation is like the sum of your achievements to that point. I've got to make a speech too, which I have no idea what to say. There's so many things I've been through and people I'd want to thank. I've only lived 18 years but still I feel like there's so many experiences that I've been through. I've had near-death experiences as well as completely monotonous days. I've been through valleys and mountains. I've had great hair days as well as days where I'd scare little kids. I've achieved so much and failed so often. I've had a great run so far. I'm excited about (oh) the places I'll go. I'm definitely excited about school and moving on with college. That's big news. But as I move on with my life, as I look back at it, there's one thing that I can certainly say with confidence: Your grace is enough. You know how full of love and kindness our Lord Jesus Christ was. Though he was very rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty he could make you rich. 2 Corinthians 8:9 Gim di lehna, Sarah

Is my tag sticking out?

I normally don't do these things, but I just got back from Atlanta this past weekend and am still trying to think of something to post about. And plus, I love Karla, who tagged me, so here goes. I am - passionate I want - to change the world I wish - I could leave college with absolutely no debts I hate - my own laziness I miss - all my friends who I can't see everyday I hear - the birds chirping outside the window I wonder - why God loves me I regret - not staying in shape (Ok, I never was in shape) I am not - super-sweet. I dance - like a white girl with no rhythm. I sing - like a dying cat I cry - all the time. I am not always - properly understood I make - really good desserts I write - very "wordy and vague" I confuse - the girls I teach I need - love I should - waste less time I start - everything I finish - only a few things. I tag...anyone who wants to do it. Traci and Ali maybe? And if the other Ali has time.

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I’d just stare out my window Dreamin’ of what could be And if I’d end up happy I would pray Trying hard to reach out But when I tried to speak out Felt like no one could hear me Wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I prayed I could break away I’ll spread my wings And I’ll learn how to fly I’ll do what it takes Till I touch the sky And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change And break away Out of the darkness And into the sun But I won’t forget all the ones that I love I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change And break away Want to feel the warm breeze Sleep under a palm tree Feel the rush of the ocean Get on board a fast train Travel on a jet plane Far away and break away Buildings with a hundred floors Swinging round revolving doors Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but Gotta keep movin’ on movin’ on Fly away break away I’ll spread my wings And I’ll learn how to fly Though it’s not easy To tell you goodbye I gotta take a risk, take a chance make a change And break away Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won’t forget the place I come from I gotta take a risk, take a chance make a change And break away Breakaway lyrics from Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. I have to say I'm nervous. Is it graduation? No. Is it going off to school? No. Those things don't scare me. But I'm going on a roadtrip tomorrow. Just me. Alone. Driving for 3 hours. And then I'm going to meet with some friends and head on down to Atlanta. I get to see Traci and some of my other friends this weekend! And I get to see these guys. It should be a rocking time. But it is my first roadtrip alone. It's a little scary to me. What if I get a flat? I'll have no clue of what to do! What if I run out of gas? I'm certainly not going to be able to walk 5 miles and back and still get to my destination on time! What if there's a 5 hour traffic jam (and yes I know it's Saturday)? AHHHHHH! Oh, but wait. Why am I worrying? If God could somehow convince my parents to let me drive 3 hours alone, doesn't He have it under control? I think so. I'm off in a few hours. I'll let you know if it all worked out. Look out world, HERE I COME! Yo manymak, Sarah

My life list...

Hi, my name is Sarah, and currently I'm 18 years old. If you're reading my blog you probably already know that. You may know that I live in North Carolina and am going to be a youth pastor. But do you know my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations? Well, today I'm going to tell you. This right here is the current version of my Life List, as my friends and I call it. The order? Well, how it came to me. Some of the things are stupid, some of them are big. I've only done a few. The goal is to do them all. I'd love to see you write in your own blog what some of your "things to do in life" are. Sarah's Life List 1. Visit Africa 2. Teach a college class 3. Visit Wales 4. Visit Scotland 5. Visit Italy 6. Visit NYC 7. Visit the WTC site 8. See the Pearl Harbor Memorial 9. Take a history class as an adult 10. Become fairly well versed in sign language 11. Take German 12. Visit Prague 13. Take culinary classes 14. Go on a missions trip 15. Fall in love 16. Get married 17. Become a mommy 18. Sponser a World Vision child [October 2005] 19. Be a bridesmaid or maid/matron of honor 20. Act out the "Lady of Shallat" scene from Anne of Green Gables. 21. Take golf lessons 22. Learn to play the cello 23. Write a non-fiction book 24. Write a screenplay 25. Write a full-length novel 26. Design and make shirts for something. 27. Be on national TV 28. Be paid to speak somewhere other than my regular job 29. Go see a play on Broadway 30. Go on a roadtrip with my girl friends 31. Write at least one poem every day for a year 32. Become a gymnastics judge 33. Take hip-hop classes 34. Have both my left and right splits flat after I have a kid (yes, they are flat now) 35. Spend 3 months focusing on getting in peak physical condition 36. Have a compliment-worthy garden 37. Hear I Deserve live [April 15th, 2006] 38. Play matchmaker successfully 39. Get involved in stopping AIDS 40. Go skinny dipping 41. Get involved in bringing awareness to/stopping human trafficking 42. Become a youth pastor 43. Learn to whistle 44. Learn to hula-hoop 45. Read through one letter of the dictionary 46. Visit all 50 states (I'm 12 into it!) 47. Direct a musical So there you go. My life list (for now). Go ahead. Blog about yours. Or if you don't have a list, make one. Write them down. Figure out which are long-term and which are short. And do it! Adios, Sarah

Needy

"I'm in need of some healing myself". With those words I could feel the hopelessness in his voice, the brokenness he was failing miserably at hiding. Let me back up. You see, this past weekend, I went on a trip to Philadelphia to go to Battle Cry with my youth group. It was a good trip, got to hang out with a few old friends and make some new ones, as well as listening to interesting speakers and being led in worship by some really cool artists. But I had an interesting experience on the way up to PA. We had stopped for lunch somewhere in Maryland, and so about half of our group of 80 were at Wendy's, myself included. The line was about 20 people deep before I got in it, so I knew I'd be standing for awhile. Right after I queued up, a man in his 40's and his mother got in line. I wasn't planning on listening to them talk, but they were right behind me, and they were loud. I still wasn't paying much attention, so I don't really know many details, but soon the man was talking to his mother so loudly the whole resteraunt could hear. He kept talking angrily about having to pay 1300 dollars for a lawyer, and how some unnamed "she" was complaining about money. Even if I couldn't understand or didn't notice specifics, there was no mistaking the anger in his voice. As we moved up in line, his voice got louder and louder and more bitter and more bitter. Right before I was about to order, he kept saying "23 years! 23 years just ruined! Does that mean nothing? 23 years that are gone now, that don't even matter. They just don't matter! 23 years and it doesn't matter?" I'd never heard anyone more bitter about a divorce than this man. His voice was just filled with hurting hatred. He didn't look mad, but he sounded it. Finally, it was my turn to order. I ordered my food while he did so at the register beside me. The workers were getting our food when he turned to speak to me. "So, where are you [meaning the group] from?" he asked me pleasantly. "North Carolina", I replied, "we're on our way to Pennsylvania". "Oh, ok. Is it a school trip?" he inquired again. "No, it's a church trip. We're on our way to a youth conference" I replied. "Oh, that's great." he said. I thought he was finished making small talk when he turned back to me and said, "I'm in need of some healing myself". With those words I could feel the hopelessness in his voice, the brokenness he was failing miserably at hiding. The way he said it wasn't like the Christian saying that they needed healing, it seemed more like he knew that if I went to church I must know something about healing. I realized he wasn't simply bitter, he was badly hurt. I sort of nodded and turned back to the counter. In a split-second I knew that I couldn't just leave it at that. Taking a breath, I turned to him and told him that I would be praying for him. He said thank you, then my food came so I went to sit down. As I was eating I couldn't stop thinking about him. Even though I was talking with someone, I kept looking over to watch him talk with his mother. After I finished eating, one of the adults and I went over to Chic-fil-a to get some sweet tea, since Wendy's didn't have any. I told her the story while we were there. As we were walking back, I decided I should go ask the guy his name, so I wouldn't be praying for "The guy in Wendy's". Right as we were walking back into Wendy's, he walked out. I stopped him and said "I wanted to ask you your name so I could pray for you by name". He shook my hand and replied, "I'm Patrick. And your name is?" "I'm Sarah". "Well, thank you. Sarah from North Carolina". We both smiled and then he walked to his car as I walked back inside. The rest of the day I couldn't stop thinking about him. As I prayed very hard for him, I just was still surprised at how it all went down. I wrote out this in my Moleskine: How needy must you be to mention to a total stranger that you need healing? Either you must be a great fool or completely broken. My guess is completely broken. Broken like when there is nothing left to do, no hope of anything. That is when brokenness leaves you hurt and utterly lost. When there's a pervasive sense of lonliness and "lost-ness", when all you thought was secure falls at your feet, you are desperate for something, anything that seems secure. The disorientation of pain causes us to do crazy things like seeking healing in the middle of a Wendy's and telling a complete stranger how needy you are. It's that need that draws us to Jesus, that removes the skeptic in us and causes us to want to do whatever it takes to heal our hurt. There's no room for prideful independence when you can't even stand on your own. So for Patrick in Maryland and everyone else who is hurting, I pray that God will show you the healing power of His grace and love, and that you'll be able to receive it willingly. He's been waiting for this opportunity. He's freely offering peace. Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:17-18 Fu'uou, Sarah

All I need.

Slow down. Hold still. It's not as if it's a matter of will. Someone's circling. Someone's moving a little lower than the angels. And it's got nothing to do with me. The wind blows through the trees, but if I look for it, it won't come. I tense up. My mind goes numb. There's nothing harder than learning how to receive. Calm down. Be still. We've got plenty of time to kill. No hand writing on the wall: just the voice that's in us all. And you're whispering to me, time to get up off my hands and knees, 'cause if I beg for it, it won't come. I find nothing but table crumbs. My hands are empty. God I've been naive. All I need is everything. Inside, outside, feel new skin. All I need is everything. Feel the slip and the grip of grace again. Slow down. Hold still. It's not as if it's a matter of will. Someone's circling. Someone's moving a little lower than the angels. This voice calling me to you: it's just barely coming through. Still, I clearly hear my name. I've been fingering the flame like tomorrow's martyr. It gets harder to believe. All I need is everything. Inside, outside, feel new skin. All I need is everything. Feel the slip and the grip of grace again. So from now till kingdom come, taste the words on the tip of my tongue. 'Cause we can't run truth out of town, only force it underground. The roots grow deeper in ways we can't conceive. All I need is everything. Inside, outside feel new skin. All I need is everything. Feel the slip and the grip of grace again. All I need is all I need. All I Need Is Everything lyrics and music by Karin Bergquist and Lindford Detweiler Sometimes words can't really truly describe what we need. When we're at a place of complete brokenness, when we are totally needy, words become inadequate. Our needs are greater than our imaginations. In those times, it's when we realize that we need everything. We need grace. Shalom, Sarah

What do I need?

I had an interesting moment the other day. Our cars had to be inspected, so I had to drive my mom to the shop. Well actually, I had to drive in another car and then take her back home while her van was being inspected. It was 9:30 in the morning and I had just woken up, put on deoderant, brushed my teeth, and got in the car. I turned on the radio so I would wake up, since it's bad to be driving on I-85 when you're barely awake, and switched it to the morning show on one of our radio stations here. It was a commercial. But it wasn't any old commercial, it was one of those commercials disguised as part of the show. You know, the ones where they have the actual morning show host reading the ad about how great puppy chow is, or this cell phone service is, etc. The one that happened to be on was for digital cable. Now, we have satellite tv, not digital cable, and I'm perfectly content with it. Really there's nothing on the non-local channels that I watch devotedly. I'll watch tv, sure, but it's mostly just reruns and the Food Network. Nothing that I desperately long for. Well, something funny happened. The DJ started telling all about how great digital cable is. About how the first 5 months are free, and even beyond that it was cheap. You could get 140 tv channels, 45 music channels (no commercials!), movies on demand, and 5 free PPV movies a month for only $49.95 for the first 6 months, and you could add HBO or Showtime for only 10.95 a month each! And if you acted right then, you could get DVR for 6.95 a month! That means you wouldn't have to watch it right then, you could record it anytime and then watch it on the weekends or whenever you were free! Without realizing it, I suddenly wanted digital cable. I started to think about once I'm done with college and out on my own, how that was a pretty good deal and it'd be great to record the programs I wanted to watch when I wanted to watch them. It'd be so convenient! And soon, not only did I want digital cable, I felt like I needed digital cable. The DJ told me that I needed to find out what I was missing and my mind was screaming 'YES! YES! You're missing digital cable!'. Then the commercial was over and I kept wanting digital cable. But my mind flashed back to last Friday while I was at my best friend's house, and to a conversation I had with her. Me: I was thinking earlier about the fact that I'm going to be so in debt after I finish school L: Tell me about it. [She's going to art school.] Me: And I was also thinking about the rampant materialism that I can see all around me and in my own life. What sort of thing does that really have to do with reality? With the gospel? L: It's just a bunch of stuff. I have so much stuff. Me: And I thought that I don't really need any sort of tv beyond the networks that we don't have to pay for. About all I watch regularly now is Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls, Law and Order:SVU and House. And none of them are on our satellite service. So why should I spend 50 dollars a month on it? Do I need it? L: Not really. We just get so used to it that we think we need it. Me: Well, I'm not going to have it. L: Good for you. I was immediately convicted as I remembered that conversation. And I realized how completely hooked I was by that dumb commercial. I was almost overwhelmed at how quickly my mind changed. At how quickly I believed the lie that I somehow needed digital cable. Or pretty hair. Or an iPod. Or whatever the next big thing is. I have so much stuff already. I am so extremely blessed. But somehow I find myself believing the lie that my life is not complete unless I have a big house, a new car, the most gadgetry cell phone, or a stereo system that's so big it makes people blush. I get so entangled in that lie that I forget Who it is that I get my worth from. My first sermon I ever preached was a few years ago, a horribly written thing about getting our identities from God and not the world. In it, I used an illustration from a book titled Mister God, This is Anna. I wouldn't recommend the book, but as I was thinking about that ad, my mind flashed back to that illustration. It's pretty long, so it's what I'm going to leave you with. My first real peek inside myself caused me to slam the door in a hurry. "That's me in there!" Holy cow, I looked more like an overgrown Gruyere cheese--full of holes... After getting over the shock, I opened the door another crack and took another peek. It wasn't long before I recognized one of those holes. It was shaped like a motorbike. What's more, I recognized that hole. It was an exact fit of a motorbike in the shop window down on High Street. After some practice, it became easier to identify the holes: a rather super microscope; one of those newfangled television things; and a clock that told you the time in Bombay, Moscow, New York, London, and a few other places, all at the same time. There were bits of me all over the place, leaving holes inside of me. I was, to say the least, spread out a little bit. Somewhere down the line it had all gone wrong. I was certain I hadn't started out with all those banners that kept on cropping up: GET ON, GET AHEAD, A MOTORBIKE MAKES YOU SOMEONE, A CAR IS EVEN BETTER, TWO CARS, AND BROTHER, YOU'VE HIT THE JACKPOT. I had fallen for it, hook line and sinker. The banners were inside me and they were rooted in pretty fertile soil... There was no overnight miracle, no sudden flash of revelation. It crept up on me unannounced, and I'm still trying to work on it. Pamun, Sarah

Praise you in this storm

I was driving down the road today when a song came on the radio. I'd only heard it once before, and I can't say it's my favorite song. But it definitely has a powerful message. It was Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns. I'm not going to post the lyrics, but they're up on their website. Anyway, while I was listening to the song, I got to thinking about going through "storms" as we like to call them. Hard times, rough patches, whatever you'd like to call them. Basically when life stinks. I'm having some rough times in my life, but I wouldn't say that I'm in a storm per se. But I have friends who have been through some really bad times. And I'm sure as you well know, when someone's going through a hard time, there's not much you can say that'll help. "My wife cheated on me with her boss". "It's the anniversary of my brother's death". "My best friend was arrested for doing drugs". "My wife has been lying to me about her whole past". "My daughter has an incurable disease". On and on the bad things go. All around us there are reminders that we live in a broken world. I know no one with a perfect life. The ravaging damages of sin are all around us. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Sometimes that realization can be staggering. One of my friends and I actually started something a few years ago. We refused to tell each other the word "sorry". She and I became friends actually because of a hard time in my life when I needed someone to be there, and she has had her fair share of pain. We stopped telling each other that we were sorry because it had become something so trite. Our e-mails often included things like "I can't say that I know how you feel because I don't. I really can't imagine how you're handling this. But I am here for you. And if you need to talk it out, I'm here for you to talk it out. This has to really suck. But I love you, and my heart is hurting for you, and I am definitely praying for you. " In the absence of the word "Sorry", we'd often send each other verses, reminding each other of the promises of God and of His faithfulness. Verses like Psalm 56:8, where it says "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." As I was listening to that song today, I was reminded of that time. A realization also suddenly hit me. In times of great need, of great pain and heartache and hurt, there's nothing better than to remind someone of the fact that the God of the universe loves them deeply. When there's deep grief, nothing else comes even close. I often wonder what you can say to someone who is hurting to their core, whose whole world is being shaken. Today God told me the answer. "I have loved you with an everlasting love"1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." 2 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, my unfailing love for you will not be shaken." 3 "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." 4 There is nothing in this world that could ever comfort like the love of Christ. There is no card, no flowers, no teddy bears that can even express the deep love of God, and how powerful that love is. Even in the midst of your darkest night, the Creator of the universe, the Author of your story, the King of all creation is whispering your name. When your world is in the darkest pit, remember that He already went there before you, and in that place sacrificed Himself to give you life. His love reaches far beyond your situation. Rest in that. So even though storms may be whirling all around me, I can rest in the fact that God loves me. Passionately. Eternally. Inexorably. Kúwewa akiúnik, Sarah 1. Jeremiah 31:3, 2. Isaiah 43:1-4, 3. Isaiah 54:10, 4. Psalm 73:26

Honeysuckles and nature...

I live in the city. Not like downtown, but I definitely am a city dweller. I have to learn at camp to get used to crickets at night. I also have to learn how to sleep without cars driving by. Instead of crickets, I go to sleep with the smooth lull of cars outside our house. But even in this little city dwelling, we have a bit of nature. In our backyard, and on one bush in our side yard, we have bush honeysuckles. If I had the camera I wish I had, I'd take a picture. But I don't, so in your mind, imagine a bunch of honeysuckle blossoms on a wire fence and a bush. I love the honeysuckles. When I was younger, we used to go outside and suck all the nectar from the blossoms. Now? Well, I guess the craziness of life got a hold of me. I will grab a few in passing, but don't "have the time" to stop and suck on the honeysuckles. Everytime I come by though, I smell them. And when I come home from a long day of work, walk into the backyard, and breathe the air full of honeysuckles, I'm reminded that God's grace is like the honeysuckles. Always there. And sometimes I'm so "busy" in life that all I get is a little tiny whiff of God's grace poured out in my life. But if I take the time to stop and take it in, I can gain so much more. Everything around me points to God's grace and love. I just have to take the time and stop and experience it. Viszontlátásra, Sarah